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Author
Writing is what I do most of all. It is a compulsion to put words on the screen (page?) so they’re not rattling around in my head. God knows there is enough cHaOs in that pinkish matter stuffed up in there. I have published short stories and co-authored gaming modules for Living Greyhawk (that’s D&D for all you geeks out there). I have written the scenarious for three different campaigns (more gamer speak), five novels, multiple pieces of flash fiction, maintain a blog (sometimes more than one).I keep a journal, instruct the Spawn how to keep their own journals, make lists, consume sometimes copious amounts of liquor so that I can slaughter copious amounts of words and not cry about it, review the works of others, try not to make comparisons to my own works, and then fall asleep with several characters and ideas still screaming at full volume inside my head. It is the path of the writer – insanity, wrapped in chaos, covered in weird.
Executive Assistant
cHaOs is not limited to home life. It exists all over, in every blink or turn. It is my job to tame it, to create standards and implement operating procedures that will make life better, easier, faster. I answer phones and take messages; I research, photocopy, store, stash, print, set in binders and, every once in a while, I even do the dishes. I update, collate, advocate. I learn new programs, create marketing schemes that might actually work, and argue with hotel booking because everyone and their mother wants the same spot on the same day at the same time.
I sit in traffic and coordinate schedules from afar. I hunt through rows of food trucks for that one special thing that will get me through the rest of the day. I traverse the halls of Capitol Hill, sit among the tubes of the Metro, or walk the identically crafted streets of Washington D.C. because it is my job to do so and writing still don’t pay the bills.
I sit in traffic and coordinate schedules from afar. I hunt through rows of food trucks for that one special thing that will get me through the rest of the day. I traverse the halls of Capitol Hill, sit among the tubes of the Metro, or walk the identically crafted streets of Washington D.C. because it is my job to do so and writing still don’t pay the bills.
Personal Assistant
Make appointments, no, wait, cancel those appointments. Call those people but wait to call these people until tomorrow. Is that a child I hear in the background? Of course not, it’s the television that is keeping said child quiet while I talk to you. I’m so glad you can’t see the snot on my pants because not only am I a personal assistant, but, apparently, I’m a personal tissue too. I know I sound echoey, that’s because I’m sitting on the toilet while making these arrangements as it is the only place they can’t get to me.
Five minutes, that’s all I need to set every appointment or handle any issue over the phone. I can do it
with or without the children present, while shuttling the dog outside, or while on my way to one meeting or another. It’s called multi-tasking and it is what I excel at. Go pick up medications – no problem; get the oil changed, put gas, get cars tagged and switch insurance – yes, I’ve done it already. Scan, file, print, and send off these documents to X, Y , W, but not Z because Z needs a different packet of paper – on it and done.
I not only manage the Head of Household, but I also manage myself, my four children, my dog, my home and, sometimes, I assist in the management of friends that need it. Why? Because that’s just one of the many hats I wear here at CHAOS.
with or without the children present, while shuttling the dog outside, or while on my way to one meeting or another. It’s called multi-tasking and it is what I excel at. Go pick up medications – no problem; get the oil changed, put gas, get cars tagged and switch insurance – yes, I’ve done it already. Scan, file, print, and send off these documents to X, Y , W, but not Z because Z needs a different packet of paper – on it and done.
I not only manage the Head of Household, but I also manage myself, my four children, my dog, my home and, sometimes, I assist in the management of friends that need it. Why? Because that’s just one of the many hats I wear here at CHAOS.
Educator
Ah, if only all of my crafting and teaching supplies would stay so neatly put away. But no, we live in Reality and, in Reality, there is only CHAOS. Pencils and crayons are sacrificed daily or mercilessly slaughtered by the feet that crush them into the carpeting. Papers are recycled, letters and numbers recited, homework checked, rechecked and then checked again just to be sure because, no, they do not send instructions home from school.
Twice I have been the only primary educator and waddled through lessons that I hoped were entertaining, educational and thorough only to have three blank little faces staring back up at me. What have I done to fail? Will they be doomed to ineptitude their whole lives? Of course not, because they do listen, they do retain what I teach and spit it back at me at random to give me that little thrill of accomplishment.
I have taught my own children, other children, adults, special needs and, sometimes, the idiots that require RE-education on a regular basis. I take CHAOS by the horns and ride it like I’m in a rodeo with the eager learners whooping and cheering the entire way because, much to public school’s great dismay, learning should be FUN.
Seriously, who else could make budgeting and economics fun? Yeah, ask my kids, they’ll tell you. Adding up the price of grocery items is AWESOME!
I have taught my own children, other children, adults, special needs and, sometimes, the idiots that require RE-education on a regular basis. I take CHAOS by the horns and ride it like I’m in a rodeo with the eager learners whooping and cheering the entire way because, much to public school’s great dismay, learning should be FUN.
Seriously, who else could make budgeting and economics fun? Yeah, ask my kids, they’ll tell you. Adding up the price of grocery items is AWESOME!
Accountant
Math? MATH?!?!
Yes, math. It is what I do no matter how simple or complex it might be. The finances, like everything else at CHAOS, must be managed and so, I grab the calculator and pen and beat them numbers into submission!
The checkbook is balanced, the bills are paid, the budgets are set, and the left overs are used for wine because it is a requirement when taming CHAOS.
I can use QuickBooks and have often considered buying and/or finding a similar program for personal use. I can do payroll and invoicing, cash flow management, collections, ledger calculations, and then I do the smart thing and send it all off to the actual accountant during tax time. While numbers are sometimes evil, sneaky little jerks, I cajole them into thinking that I am just as evil and sneaky and, somewhere in all of that, peace is made and they cooperate as I demand that the do.
Fear me, numbers, fear. You will be balanced.
The checkbook is balanced, the bills are paid, the budgets are set, and the left overs are used for wine because it is a requirement when taming CHAOS.
I can use QuickBooks and have often considered buying and/or finding a similar program for personal use. I can do payroll and invoicing, cash flow management, collections, ledger calculations, and then I do the smart thing and send it all off to the actual accountant during tax time. While numbers are sometimes evil, sneaky little jerks, I cajole them into thinking that I am just as evil and sneaky and, somewhere in all of that, peace is made and they cooperate as I demand that the do.
Fear me, numbers, fear. You will be balanced.
Cook
I am not a culinary magic maker but I can cook. My dishes are not always pretty or presented with the Martha Stewart stamp of approval but they are healthy, edible and consumed in the scant blink of an eye. I bake, and cook, and fry. My crock pot and I have an intimate relationship with each other. I don’t have nearly enough pans to cook for six people yet it always happens and the microwave is on standby at all times.
I plan meals, create things on the fly and adapt to the changing dietary needs of my family. One is lactose intolerant, another gluten intolerant and if it looks like vomit on a plate, not a single person will touch it, not even the dog. I chop and mince, julienne, or just throw it all into the blender. I make killer french toast, it is demanded that I cook Thanksgiving dinner because my turkey is just that awesome and ‘that stew with the corn’ is the absolute favorite of anyone that tries it.
No, the kitchen is not always tidy. In fact, it is usually quite the opposite with cutting boards and pans, utensils and bits of flour or vegetation or crumb strewn about in some capacity. Even when it is ‘clean’ there are things left out like the bags of chips or boxes of sandwich baggies required for lunch packing. Whatever doesn’t fit in the dishwasher, soaks in the sink until morning – or until chores are delegated to the spawn that exist at CHAOS. Regardless, food gets to the table, mostly on time and always in tasty fashion.
No, the kitchen is not always tidy. In fact, it is usually quite the opposite with cutting boards and pans, utensils and bits of flour or vegetation or crumb strewn about in some capacity. Even when it is ‘clean’ there are things left out like the bags of chips or boxes of sandwich baggies required for lunch packing. Whatever doesn’t fit in the dishwasher, soaks in the sink until morning – or until chores are delegated to the spawn that exist at CHAOS. Regardless, food gets to the table, mostly on time and always in tasty fashion.
Housekeeper
Did you know that dust bunnies procreate faster than guppies? You blink and there are more. But I vanquish them! The laundry too, though the Sock Monster and I have a quarrel to settle still. My vacuum and I have a love-hate relationship: it loves to fill up too fast and I hate it as a result. But I manage, even with the frequent stops to dump the canister and shake out the filter so that it will do what it needs to do. The bathrooms are sanitized – regularly. Four kids, three of them boys, you do the math.
I hang pictures, fix lights, set up computers, install software, kick the machine, uninstall software, safe-guard the interwebs against kid predators, mow lawns, pluck weeds, rake leaves, restore furniture, fix nearly headless Mario dolls and torn bathrobes, organize clutter and, usually, without being caffeinated or in between the hours of work and sleep because that’s just how life is.
Emergency Medical Professional
Otherwise known as the ‘Boo Boo Fixer’. It is not just the bumps and scrapes. It is the open, gaping head wounds that I fix, the nights of lost sleep consoling the vomitous ones as they pray to their porcelain gods. Ouchies are kissed, sniffles are doused with medicines, tissues, O.J. and copious amounts of honey-lemon-tea. Everyone remains up to date on all vaccinations and, no, we do not do the Flu Shot in this house because I let my kids lick crud off their hands and touch the unsanitary things that exist in the world. Why? Because it builds a healthy immune system.
They fall, slice off fingers, open their heads up, slice open body parts on rusted fences, twist their appendages, contract strange oozing thingies, and I handle it all, armed with gauze, Bandaids, baby wipes and Mommy Kisses. And a doctor’s visit when warranted.
Can I have my honorary nurses license now?
Can I have my honorary nurses license now?
Professional Hobbiest
I color with pencils and markers and crayons right along with my children even if my coloring pages are more adult oriented than SpiderMan and Dora.
I sew costumes and Cosplay outfits, quilts, and bags for dolld that cost way too much money, yet bring me exquisite pleasure. I reapply missing buttons, lift up hemlines and take in pants that are way too big. I do embroidery and bead work and make friendship bracelet book marks. I make jewelry and SteamPunk themed items or really big bows to hang on your front door instead of wreaths.
I am an avid peruser of Pinterest. One day, I say, I will do all of these really awesome things that I see, and then, I realize, I already do them. I already make the nifty bead bracelets with the safety pins or build costumes from Goodwill purchases and whatever I find lying around the house. I make curtains to match current decor or quilts for a brand new, big boy toddler bed. Why? Because my creativity knows no bounds and is a requirement for surviving all that exists here at CHAOS.
I am an avid peruser of Pinterest. One day, I say, I will do all of these really awesome things that I see, and then, I realize, I already do them. I already make the nifty bead bracelets with the safety pins or build costumes from Goodwill purchases and whatever I find lying around the house. I make curtains to match current decor or quilts for a brand new, big boy toddler bed. Why? Because my creativity knows no bounds and is a requirement for surviving all that exists here at CHAOS.
