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February 14th—one of the most stressful dates on the American calendar for a male. Hands down. The day that used to be so simple, only became increasingly complicated as the primary recipients of all Valentine’s Day activities became more and more… um, complicated. Yes, I’m referring to females. Don’t agree? Awesome. I love proving people wrong.
Let’s take a “hypothetical” situation that happens to just a few (hundreds of thousands) males every year. Valentine’s Day approaches. The male has ABSOLUTELY no idea of what to do, what to get her, where to start! Does he get her the biggest bear Walmart has to offer, along with the rest of the desperately clueless husbands and boyfriends of the city? Does he take her out to her favorite restaurant—even though he just took her there last week in hopes of alleviating the built-up rage of her menstrual cycle? Does he get her the terribly wrapped $9.95 dozen of half-dead and partially wilted roses, just because flowers are a sign of “intimacy”? Does he get her the box of chocolate that Forrest Gump spoke of, where she doesn’t know what she’ll get—1 month old artificially implanted cheap chocolate or 2 month old chocolate that might cause her to throw up in her mouth a tad bit? Believe it or not, these four options are typically first to peek into just about every male’s mind when planning for Valentine’s Day.
Now while some stand fast with one or multiple of these generic approaches, some think past the basics. They think: “Okay, if I’m her, what would I want?” By far the worst question a man can ask himself. Why? Because we’re not them! Males are the most simplistic creatures to ever emerge on this planet. You ask us what we want, and it might take a day or two for a response to be given. I mean, we weren’t really expecting to get anything, except maybe one of those all-purpose Hallmark cards. If you get us one of those cards where you open them and a song plays, you’re essentially going above and beyond in our minds. Like, how genius is that to create a card that plays an entire chorus of a song but remains as thin as a Wendy’s burger. Do they slip an invisible mp3 player into the card or—oh wait. I got off subject for a second. Do you see how simple-minded males are now though? Anything entertains us. Seriously. We make Valentine’s Day simple. But, let’s get back to the topic at hand. When the ‘swapping places’ mind-jogging exercise fails, we resort to friends. No, not our own friends, but the female’s friends. We simply inquire what the targeted female might want and guess what answer we get? “Oh, anything! She’s simple.” You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me.
So what’s the next step? We’ve decided to exceed just going with the standard Walmart ideas. We’ve asked both ourselves and her friends what she might want, and yet, remain as ignorant as before. Any male that makes it to this point, is a champion. Let’s just make that clear right now. So now, in efforts to excel on the Big Day, we pull out our last, and most sacred option. Take a guess. Yeah, exactly. Our wallets. We go splurging, as if we just won the PowerBall lottery. We buy the basics—flowers by the dozen, chocolate she won’t eat because of her diet, a bear she’ll sleep with when she’s mad at you, and of course the reservation to the restaurant that you both have went to maybe five, six, or seven hundred times already this year. We buy her jewelry that has her initials engraved in it—just in case she forgets her name. We buy her lingerie that makes her self-conscious about her figure. We buy two overpriced movie tickets to see Fifty Shades of Grey so that she can subconsciously compare the main character’s love for his counterpart to the love that she feels from you. Let’s stay here for a second. We all know that you can’t sponsor a movie outing by just purchasing the tickets, right? Oh, you didn’t? I just laughed out loud, literally. Okay, let’s be realistic—you have the 15 minute arcade splurge before the movie, the 2 minimally flavored slushies that take a whole 23 seconds to consume, the 2 bags of Skittles that you honestly wish you had of snuck into the theater, and then FINALLY there’s the extra-large bucket of overly buttered diabetes—I mean, popcorn. And by the time we become cognizant of how deflated our wallet has become in a matter of seconds, the movie is over. Great.
Let’s review what we have so far: flowers, bear, chocolate, lingerie, jewelry, dinner and a movie. If you ask me, I think that’s plenty to be ecstatic about. But here’s the kicker. I may be wrong in saying this, but females both care and don’t care about these things. Let me explain. From past experiences, females want the things that can’t be bought. They want time. They want attention. They want to be assured that they’re the only female that their partner has his eye on. They want their partner to think they’re fun. They want to hear “I love you” and “You’re beautiful” over and over again. Get where I’m going? If that was the case though, Valentine’s Day would be effortless. But it’s not, because of society’s doings. The expectation of gifts rises yearly and while females may claim that they don’t expect their partner to blow through an entire paycheck, they’re lying. Don’t fall for it. I digress.
Let’s take a “hypothetical” situation that happens to just a few (hundreds of thousands) males every year. Valentine’s Day approaches. The male has ABSOLUTELY no idea of what to do, what to get her, where to start! Does he get her the biggest bear Walmart has to offer, along with the rest of the desperately clueless husbands and boyfriends of the city? Does he take her out to her favorite restaurant—even though he just took her there last week in hopes of alleviating the built-up rage of her menstrual cycle? Does he get her the terribly wrapped $9.95 dozen of half-dead and partially wilted roses, just because flowers are a sign of “intimacy”? Does he get her the box of chocolate that Forrest Gump spoke of, where she doesn’t know what she’ll get—1 month old artificially implanted cheap chocolate or 2 month old chocolate that might cause her to throw up in her mouth a tad bit? Believe it or not, these four options are typically first to peek into just about every male’s mind when planning for Valentine’s Day.
Now while some stand fast with one or multiple of these generic approaches, some think past the basics. They think: “Okay, if I’m her, what would I want?” By far the worst question a man can ask himself. Why? Because we’re not them! Males are the most simplistic creatures to ever emerge on this planet. You ask us what we want, and it might take a day or two for a response to be given. I mean, we weren’t really expecting to get anything, except maybe one of those all-purpose Hallmark cards. If you get us one of those cards where you open them and a song plays, you’re essentially going above and beyond in our minds. Like, how genius is that to create a card that plays an entire chorus of a song but remains as thin as a Wendy’s burger. Do they slip an invisible mp3 player into the card or—oh wait. I got off subject for a second. Do you see how simple-minded males are now though? Anything entertains us. Seriously. We make Valentine’s Day simple. But, let’s get back to the topic at hand. When the ‘swapping places’ mind-jogging exercise fails, we resort to friends. No, not our own friends, but the female’s friends. We simply inquire what the targeted female might want and guess what answer we get? “Oh, anything! She’s simple.” You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me.
So what’s the next step? We’ve decided to exceed just going with the standard Walmart ideas. We’ve asked both ourselves and her friends what she might want, and yet, remain as ignorant as before. Any male that makes it to this point, is a champion. Let’s just make that clear right now. So now, in efforts to excel on the Big Day, we pull out our last, and most sacred option. Take a guess. Yeah, exactly. Our wallets. We go splurging, as if we just won the PowerBall lottery. We buy the basics—flowers by the dozen, chocolate she won’t eat because of her diet, a bear she’ll sleep with when she’s mad at you, and of course the reservation to the restaurant that you both have went to maybe five, six, or seven hundred times already this year. We buy her jewelry that has her initials engraved in it—just in case she forgets her name. We buy her lingerie that makes her self-conscious about her figure. We buy two overpriced movie tickets to see Fifty Shades of Grey so that she can subconsciously compare the main character’s love for his counterpart to the love that she feels from you. Let’s stay here for a second. We all know that you can’t sponsor a movie outing by just purchasing the tickets, right? Oh, you didn’t? I just laughed out loud, literally. Okay, let’s be realistic—you have the 15 minute arcade splurge before the movie, the 2 minimally flavored slushies that take a whole 23 seconds to consume, the 2 bags of Skittles that you honestly wish you had of snuck into the theater, and then FINALLY there’s the extra-large bucket of overly buttered diabetes—I mean, popcorn. And by the time we become cognizant of how deflated our wallet has become in a matter of seconds, the movie is over. Great.
Let’s review what we have so far: flowers, bear, chocolate, lingerie, jewelry, dinner and a movie. If you ask me, I think that’s plenty to be ecstatic about. But here’s the kicker. I may be wrong in saying this, but females both care and don’t care about these things. Let me explain. From past experiences, females want the things that can’t be bought. They want time. They want attention. They want to be assured that they’re the only female that their partner has his eye on. They want their partner to think they’re fun. They want to hear “I love you” and “You’re beautiful” over and over again. Get where I’m going? If that was the case though, Valentine’s Day would be effortless. But it’s not, because of society’s doings. The expectation of gifts rises yearly and while females may claim that they don’t expect their partner to blow through an entire paycheck, they’re lying. Don’t fall for it. I digress.
