Fairy Queen/me-“You know My Love, I’m not just a lil fairy or a kitty cat, I also have a little Goth vampire girl inside me too. . .”
Oberon-“Yup”
Me-“Is that okay?”
Oberon-“Bring them all out baby, I want all of you!”
I think I’ve mentioned before I’ve always been a weird mix of traits. I can be very traditional and old-fashioned but I also have parts of me that are liberal, creative, eccentric and I definitely march to the beat of my own drum. I’ve never quite fit into categories or under labels easily. When I was younger this use to bother me, I never felt like I truly fit in yet I wasn’t really an outsider either. Comments back and forth with another blogger yesterday got me thinking about highschool. I was well liked by my classmates so I was popular but not Queen Bee popular. I was what you would have called a “holy roller” I was very involved in my church youth group as a teen. But I was never the shy, bible thumping, type either. I was too out spoken and challenged authority too much to be the perfect church mouse. To my school friends I was the goody goody who never had fun and to my church friends I was the rebel who loved God but also questioned what was being taught in sunday school. Lol I laugh now because neither was right but then again they weren’t completely wrong.
It’s funny how we all want to belong to a group or to some ideal. Even subculture while it rebels against the norm, breaks off from the status quo just to create its own groups. Fellow 80’s Gen-Xers will remember that we were the first to experiment with rainbow colors being acceptable hair shades but this was done by hard-core punk rockers not middle school suburban pre-teens like today. The idea was to shock people and be different. Not look like you got your head caught in a cotton candy machine. The current moody Emo trend has nothing on the 80’s Goths that use to scare the bugeezus out of my Mom and hang-out, up and down Melrose Ave. Somewhat tamer were the Rockabilly’s which has now recycled and comeback as Psychobilly. As far as I can tell Psychobilly looks like the love child between Rockabilly and Goth. There were so many other subgroups, some are gone, some have returned. Nothing really is ever new is it?
Like most teens I experimented with different trends. Nothing crazy as my Father would have had my head. I started out as preppy but slowly morphed into a Rockabilly. I couldn’t resist those a-line skirts and vintage inspired outfits. I use to love going into second-hand stores to find little gems. My Grandmothers closet also yielded some very cute gloves, jewelry and pocket books. By the time I graduated high school I had outgrown trends and had adopted my own eclectic style. I wore what I liked whether or not anyone else did. But once I entered Corporate America I had to tone down my own personal style for a more corporate look. I was entering a finance based profession and people have no sense of humor when it comes to money, especially their own. This required I represent my dependable, pragmatic, responsible self. How you present yourself says a lot about who you are and how you want to be received. And at work, I expected and wanted to be taken seriously and so I presented that image.
In my thirties I left corporate finance to run my own business in which my wardrobe changed dramatically. For several years I owned and ran an event planning business where I was sometimes required to wear formal or evening wear while working. My closet went from power suits to ball gowns. It was a lot of fun and I got to showcase my own style much more in this environment. After I sold my business and went back into finance. I never thought I’d go back and I had donated all of my suits when I left. So before my first day I went and bought four new suits and several silk blouses. I knew the dress code well and I would add to my wardrobe as I went along. But things had changed a lot. It’s no longer necessary to be über conservative, power suits have given way to casual Fridays. It’s much more lax but I still feel the need to suppress myself somewhat.
Lately I’ve been pestering my changelings and Oberon with the idea that when I grow older I’m going to dye my hair pink. They humor me but they don’t realize how serious I am. Whether I do it or not is yet to be seen. But what I am serious about is seeing my older years as a time when convention is no longer important and I can be me, all of me. I might be retired and so a professional image will no longer be needed, the snap judgments that might be caused by what I look like won’t matter much anymore, and my kids will be older and less likely to be mortally embarrassed by their kooky mom. At one point Oberon posed the question “Aren’t you who you intend to me now?” The answer is so much more complex than a simple yes or no. Yes I am who I intend to be now; I am very content and acquainted with my inner self and workings. I am not misrepresenting myself by my image; I am just not fully representing all of me. . .so. . . In a way no, I’m not really who I intend to be. Because I intend to slowly integrate more and more of an authentic self into my image. As I age and evolve and grow I come closer and closer to the crystal clear vision of who I am.
Until then here’s a little preview of my future hair do! Kinda sexy don’t you think? ;)
